Sermon for June 27th (A Wife's Respect)

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.” Last week, I talked to you about how God instituted marriage and how important it is that both the husband and the wife fulfill their individual calls in a marriage. An essential part of that equation is a husband’s love, but the other essential part is a wife’s respect, or as Ephesians calls it most often her submission.

I’ll tell you the truth, it’s about all I can do to say that word, “submission” without cringing. Perhaps it is just as difficult for you to hear it. I think that the younger you are, perhaps the harder it is, because it is such a foreign concept in our culture. Why? Because you’ve heard stories. You’ve heard stories about women in the past, but not that very long ago, who were abused by the men in their lives and their husbands. Women who were beaten into submission, you might say. You’ve heard stories about women, perhaps from other countries, who do not have the same rights as their husbands because they are supposed to be quiet and “submissive” in that culture. Some women in this very house have no doubt experienced men who demanded too much of them, demanded their complete obedience—or else!—men who used the Bible as justification for never listening to their wives. I want to be clear right now: that kind of submission is not what God has in mind for a wife.

But how do we know? Because that is not a biblical model of submission or marriage. In Genesis, God looked for a partner for the human being he had created and that partner, that helper, was only found in the woman. If God had simply been looking for a creature to “submit” to the man, the horse may have sufficed. Or the donkey. Or the dog. Fetch me my slippers! Sit! Speak! Stay! That’s not submission, that’s obedience. And, in the Bible, neither the husband nor the wife is told to be “obedient” to one another. They are called to love and respect one another.

In the book “The Power of a Praying Husband,” the author Stormie Omartian explains the word submission in the following way, “Submit is a verb. Submitting is a voluntary action. That means it is something we ourselves do. It’s not something we make someone else do. Just as we can’t force another person to love us, we can’t force someone to submit to us either. Of course we can make that person do what we want. But then that’s not true submission. Submission is a choice we make.”

And there are reasons why some of you women or wives would not want to make that choice isn’t there. For example, if you do not trust your husband to act with your best interests at heart, you will not want to submit to his decisions. But then again, God would never ask you to do that. A wife’s respect for her husband is only one half of the equation. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church. In other words, husbands, you have no right to expect your wife to listen to you, to follow you or to respect you if you do not truly show her love. But wives, if you know that your husband truly loves you and respects you, what is it that keeps you from honoring and affirming your husband in the household? What keeps you from trusting his leadership?

Last week I said that men need someone to love. Men want to have someone to protect, to cherish and to adore. In the same way, women need someone they can be vulnerable with, someone they can respect. You might even go as far as to say that a wife wants her husband to be someone they could feel comfortable choosing to submit to. Once again, just to be clear, I am not saying that women want to be damsel’s in distress. What I am saying is this: in order to find meaning and fulfillment in a marriage, it is essential that a wife can feel vulnerable with her husband and trust her husband not to take advantage of that vulnerability. Submission does not mean being someone else’s doormat, it means trusting someone to not step on you even when you are at your weakest.

There is no doubt in my mind that women are just as able to do what a men can do. How many women, how many of you, work a full time job outside of the home and then come home to be a full time mother and full time housekeeper? How many single moms have raised a family all on their own? Understand that the concept of submission in a marriage has nothing to do with abilities. However, for those of you who are married women here this morning, just because you CAN do anything—do you really WANT to do it all? Don’t you feel at times trapped by all the demands placed on you at work and at home? Don’t you sometimes wish you could share the workload with someone you could trust? Someone who loves you andyou’re your best interests at heart? Don’t you ever wish that you could let someone else make the decisions? Throughout the Bible, God calls husbands to be leaders in their households instead of simply taking a back seat.

Wives, if you’ve ever felt overwhelmed and frazzled by the demands of work and home, you may realize what joy there would be if you could respect your husband enough to hand him the reins not because you couldn’t lead, but because you wanted him to. Imagine what might happen in your marriage if, instead of making all the decisions, you took just one decision that you normally make and said to your husband, “You decide. I trust your judgment. I’ll follow your lead” If you had a husband you knew loved you, giving up that control would not be scary, it would be a relief.

A wife’s respect of her husband does not mean that she must obey every command he gives because, unlike God, men are fallible. Husbands make mistakes and misjudgments. In the book of 1st Peter, wives are encouraged once again to accept the authority of their husbands EVEN THOUGH those men might be unbelievers. Submission doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree. It doesn’t mean that you should follow your husband into sin. In fact, even a submissive wife could seek to change her husband so that they might be won to faith in Jesus Saint Peters ays. so that they might be won over to Jesus.

God wants every wife to have a mind of her own and to stand up and disagree when she feels led to. The book of proverbs says, “A capable wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.” Yes guys, “Submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord.” A loving husband has enough sense to listen to his wife rather than demanding her submission to a foolish plan or decision. Marriage is a partnership.

When we submit ourselves to God, he frees us to be all that we can be. Instead of taking up our time trying to “please” God and climb our way up into heaven, we submit to his forgiveness—we trust him and become vulnerable. We can’t submit to God’s Law until our hearts are changed by God’s love. You will not be able to submit to your husband until God’s love and your husband’s love changes your heart. Wives, submitting to your husband sounds scary, I mean, you know that he’s not perfect; but because you have already submitted to God you also know that you are not perfect either. Trust that God has given your husband gifts and that these gifts can be a blessing for you and for your marriage.

How might you as a woman or wife begin respecting your husband more in your marriage? I believe that there are two ways that you can make this happen. First, by telling him and showing him that you are placing your trust in him. For instance, as I mentioned before, the next time you have a decision to make, give your husband your opinion and then tell him to make the decision—make it clear that you will accept what he decides because you trust him. Wow! Can you already feel your husbands chest filling with pride? A husband needs someone to love, and by respecting him enough to trust his leadership, you are giving him the ability to show you how much he loves you.

How else might a wife submit to her husband? By letting go of some control. Many wives do everything in their households and, while it’s nice to do it the way you want to, there may be gifts that your husband has that you do not. Ask him what he’d like to do and give up that job. Don’t tell him how to do it, trust him to do it. It may be difficult at first, but imagine how much time might be freed up and how worthwhile your husband might feel.

Finally, there is a part in all of this that a husband can play. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church. Pray for her. Pray for her submission. Pray that you might deserve her respect. Pray that she might trust in God and that, by trusting in God, she might trust you more. When she asks you to make a decision, trust in the strength God gives you and lead with her well-being in mind. Only by submitting to God can we all submit to one another.

I pray that all of your marriages might be blessed with mutual love and mutual submission. As we end this month’s focus on marriage, I would like to encourage all of you to continue working diligently to strengthen your relationships with one another. I am here to pray with you, to counsel you and to cheer you on and you have many saints in these pews who have great advice and a lot of experience. Your marriage is worth the time and the effort to keep it strong. Christ died for you so that all of you might know what love is and rejoice in a love that gives you freedom to submit, the courage to trust and the hope that through it all God is your fortress and strength. Amen.

Sermon for June 20th (A Husband's Love)

In Ephesians chapter 5, both the husband and the wife are called to submit to one another because they respect the Lord. What does that mean? Well, God instituted marriage in order to help us live healthy and happy lives together even though, of course, there are time when the people in those marriages don’t do a very good job of fulfilling God’s call. Most of the time in the Bible, the word submit refers to our relationship to God, we are to submit ourselves to God commands for instance; however, just because it’s the same word doesn’t mean that we are to submit to one another AS IF they were God (nobody could live up to that!), but because God instituted us to be in relationship with one another, we are called to submit to one another out of respect for how God ordered the world, including our marriages.

How does a husband submit to his wife? By loving her. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” I know that some of you have heard me say how I think that this whole Father’s Day and Mother’s Day thing is really unfair. I mean, men and women have different gifts and, let’s face it guys, we have the gift of selfishness. We can come up with all kinds of great ways to have a good time and help others show us some love. But when I ask my wife what she wants for her birthday or mother’s day or whatever she sometimes has a hard time figuring it out and (this is the really mind-boggling part) even if she CAN think of something she’ll feel bad for wanting it let alone if she actually would get it for a gift. Me, on the other hand, just ask me and I’ll tell you some things I want and if I get them—no guilt. I LIKE to make myself happy. I enjoy feeling loved. What can I say . . .it’s a gift!

How does a husband submit to his wife? By using those God given talents for love and using them to love his wife. God made men with the need to love someone. And for those of you who are married men, God blessed you with your wives.

Now guys, I don’t mean loving them the way YOU want to be loved. “Hey honey! I bought you a new grill so that you can have more hot dogs and hamburgers to go with your beer!” Uh-uh. That’s showing love, but, like I said, we men have an amazing gift to love ourselves. Guys, now be honest, if you want something, it doesn’t matter if it always makes sense. It might cost too much or take too much time, but if you got it you’d be happy. Imagine if your wife really wanted something . . . would you ask first whether it would make her happy or whether it made sense to you? Love doesn’t always make sense. We are called to love ours wives just as Jesus Christ loved the church. What does that mean?

To begin, I have to cover my rear-end with you men that are here and explain how I can have the audacity to talk about how to better love your wives on Father’s Day of all days. Today is supposed to be the one day out of the year when we men can shower the love on ourselves—no holds barred.

Today is Father’s Day and, so, it is a day to celebrate Fathers. I WANT you to be celebrated. I WANT you to be considered a good Father. And the fact is that everybody knows a good father by how he treats his wife. It’s a fact and children notice it. It’s not just how you treat your children that makes you a good father—it’s how you love your wife. If you talk about your wife in a negative manner, especially in front of other people, your children will talk to their mom that way too . . . and it will reflect on you. Men who beat their wives, either physically or verbally, raise children who do the same thing to the women in their lives. But if you treat your wife like the jewel she is, you will raise children who love their mother as much as you do. If you love your wife just as Jesus Christ loves the church, your Father’s Day celebration will become a day when people honor you with their hearts and not just their lips. I want husbands and fathers to be celebrated every day of the year (not just one) so let’s find ways of loving our wives just as Christ loves the church.

How does Christ love the church? By giving himself up for her. “Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross.” But you might say! That’s going a little over board pastor, but I’m not asking you to jump in front of a truck and get run over . . . that might actually be an easier way out that what I am encouraging you to do. Jesus had everything he could ever want (he was God after all), but he gave that all up to become human, to be vulnerable to hunger, pain, mocking, crucifixion, abandonment and death.

What change could you make in your life to love your wife? What would you have to “give up”? Does she want more of your time? More physical affection? Does she want you to forgive her for something that you’ve never been able to let go of? I’m not asking you if that’s fair . . . Jesus never asked if it was fair for him to die to take away the sins of the world—because it wasn’t fair! It’s love for goodness sake!

Paul writes in Ephesians, “Husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies.” See, he knew men were good at loving themselves. He points out that no one hates their body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it. You don’t just feed yourself well one day and then forget to eat for the rest of the week. In the same way, when you love your wife, you continue to work at showing her that love not just once a week, or even once a day, but she becomes what you constantly are interested in. Love doesn’t turn back on itself and say, “But what am I getting out of all of this. Love asks the question, “What is she getting out of all of this?”

But how, you might ask. How can I show my wife love. Perhaps you’ve tried and failed . . . miserably. That’s what I’ve said Mother’s Day is all about. I often feel like Mother’s Day is an exercise in futility. No matter how much I love my mother, or my wife, I can’t seem to show them. Since we men are so good at loving ourselves, it’s tough to try and think of someone else all the time so we need a little help. There are a lot of directions you might go here, but I believe that the book, “The Five Love Languages” can be a lot of help in this area. I’m going to give you a brief synopsis here, but there are sheets that you can take home to work on this as well as a marriage retreat next week where we will be going over this in more detail.

Here’s how it goes guys. Every woman is like a cup . . . full of your favorite beverage. Use your imagination. When that cup is full, your wife is happy. When her cup is empty, aint nobody happy as the saying goes. But, not every cup is made alike and you can’t throw just anything in to fill them up. Some women feel love when you speak kindly to them or tell them how beautiful they are to you. Other women don’t care how much you tell them that (they know it already), but if they ask you to do something they want you to do it . . . and if you keep “forgetting” they won’t feel like you love them. On the other hand, you might have a wife who feels love in a completely different way. You could work your hands to the bone to support your family, tell her over and over how much you love her, but if you are always working and never at home to share your life with her, she won’t feel your love. Some of you husbands here might have the desire to love your wife, but have never figured out how to fill their cup. It’s important to show them love in the way they understand it.

The book, “The Five Love Languages” says that most people feel love in all five different ways, but usually one or two will be the most important. Through words of affirmation, acts of service, by receiving gifts, through physical touch or by getting quality time. No one way is better than any other. If you are married, take a risk and ask your wife to fill out a little survey (we’ve got a bunch of copies for you to pick up after the service) to help her tell you when and how she feels your love the most. If she won’t fill one out, take one anyway and do your best to figure it out. And when you find out how she needs to feel loved, act on that information no matter what. Not just once a week, but constantly. It might be hard and you may not be perfect at it; but if you ever figure it out, she will be loved and your marriage will be blessed.

Understand that learning to love another person is as important for husbands as it is for wives, for children and for everyone else as well. This information applies to all of you and you are all welcome to find out what you can to help you love others better. But, in marriage, God specifically tells us that a husband’s love is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. Some of you, husbands and wives, may have gone for years without receiving the love you need, or giving it, but now is another opportunity to change that. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loves the church. Because Jesus loves you, he gave himself up for you so that you could know his love. Your past mistakes are forgiven on account of what Jesus has done and you have hope for a new life, an eternal life with God forever. Trust, today, in God’s guidance for your marriage and you will have hope for a new relationship to enjoy for as long as you both shall live. Amen.